squeaky clean

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I have been a prolific shoplifter for half my life. The majority of my wardrobe is stolen goods. I can’t remember ever having paid for a bra, a belt, or a pair of sunglasses. I have never been caught. Moreover, I’ve never even been regarded with suspicion. I’m an attractive, baby-faced white woman.

I smoked pot daily for close to a decade, first to control anxiety and later to control boredom. At my apex I was smoking multiple times a day, before work, on my lunch break, and before and after evening classes. I managed to graduate at the top of my class, advance and earn accolades within my professional career, and make all the motions of a normal, “straight” existence, all while stoned. No teacher, supervisor, doctor, or co-worker ever called me out on this behavior.

I wrecked my car once coming back from a party: I fell asleep at the wheel. The officer on the scene shone a light in my eyes and asked why my pupils were dilated. I shrugged. No charges were filed.

My job requires routine background and criminal record checks. Mine always come back squeaky clean.